Well Kinda Now Im Back

Ok im back iv been gone for a long time but i can blame that mostly on being unable to access the internet, so what you gunna do... well im all back and good now. Its been a long summer, i can tell you that, iv been and gone through hell and im lucky to still be standing, several mass damages, and one nearly a death note, but im better now, im almost sane, well almost. My view on life has changed alot, my view on humanity has changed alot as well. I love my friends, Tom and Adam have helped me alot, not that they know it, and i wont tell them, were guys we don't talk. I almost think that my heart has started to grow back, i feel so different to when summer started, its like my eyes have been opened, i still feel for someone, but i can never say who as im still unsafe, oh well. More soon, i need sleep. Night all.

+++Hope Is The Weapon Of The Unprepared+++

Im Back.......Well Kinda

The book of love is long and boring

No one can lift the damn thing

It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing

But I

I love it when you read to me

And you

You can read me anything

The book of love has music in it

In fact that's where music comes from

Some of it is just transcendental

Some of it is just really dumb

But I

I love it when you sing to me

And you

You can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring

And written very long ago

It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes

And things we're all too young to know

But I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

And I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

And I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

You ought to give me wedding rings

++With The Heart Comes The Soul, When One Dies So Does The Other++

One Of The Summer Tales

This will just be short as i need to go clean myself up for i have turned into a painted man, i thought i had recovered from how i was when i started to do this blog but i have lost my sole mate to someone who do-sent deserve or need them. Im so in love with her i don't know what to do any more, maybe letting the hate build up is really my only way forwards.

+++Maim, Kill, Burn+++

That Special Person.......

When she pushes you or hits you like a dummie cause she thinks shes

stronger than you

Grab her and dont let go

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough

Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she's quiet

Ask her whats wrong

When she ignores you

Give her your attention

When she pulls away

Pull her back

When you see her at her worst

Tell her she's beautiful

When you see her start crying

Just hold her and don't say a word

When you see her walking

Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she's scared

Protect her

When she steals your favorite hoodie

Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you

Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn't answer for a long time

reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt

Back yourself up

When she says that she loves you

she really does more than you can understand

When she grabs at your hands

Hold her's and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you;

bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret

keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes

dont look away until she does

When she says it's over

she still wants you to be hers

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

- When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her because ten years later she'll remember you

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

-Treat her like she's all that matters to you

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid

- Give her the world.

- Let her wear your clothes

-When she's bored and sad, hang out with her

-Let her know she's important.

- Don't talk about other girls around her

- Kiss her in the pouring rain

.....You in all ways.....

+++Honour, Love, Truth, Beauty, For these reasons a man should fight+++

Iv Finally Figured Out My Dysfunction

Iv done it finally done it, iv finally worked out my complete dysfunction, i know what has made me into a monster so i know parts of my mentality need to be killed off so i will come over as the real person that i want to be seen as and maybe regain my true heart as its because of the loss of her iv have actually searched what is wrong with me instead of just trying to bury any feeling that i think is bad, im so sick of it all, i cannot stand feeling like i want to die every day and that the only way to deal with anything is to destroy myself with any means at my disposal.

The worst thing is that it has taken me a solid four days of drinking myself to death to finally unlock what i truly is inside the dark remnants of my heart and soul, i know what the problem is and i will purge it from me. In the last four days i let my depression get the better of me and i had slipped fully into the depravity of my mind and chose to rape what is left of me. in the last four days i have drunk over two litres of whiskey, a bottle of absinthe, alot of hours in pubs and drinking other peoples beer, but it has actually helped me think for the first time ever instead of not helping at all. This all started in the recent days when i lost my true heart and soul, the girl that i know inside me is my soul-mate, i know what i feel inside, iv been in love before but this time was different, it wasn't just enjoying the company of her, or thinking that she beautiful this time tho i could actually feel myself enjoying who she really was connecting on a deeper level than i have ever willingly gone to before, she could make my heart sore and my soul cry, we matched in such a way that i will not find anywhere but in my dreams. My one aim in life now is to find the way to prove to her that i truly do want to be with her and only her, and i believe that is what i want for the rest of my life long days, that is my crusade, my penance, and my suffrage.

I have been the fool for too long now, and iv had my final tick, from here on in i will never be the bad guy again, it costs two much on me and everyone else who is around me, and the people who i care about the most get hurt too, all i ever wanted to do was make people happy but i don't ever seem too not hurt people, so the buck stops here!

I will never want what i don't have any more or think that im missing out on anything, i think that as people we are made in matching sets completely designed to be with one another. I know that i love her, and i know that its more than just a little fling, this is true Deep-from-the-heart and eternal. She has managed to completely put me under her spell, the tortures that i am racking onto myself are a way of making me suffer physical not just mental pain for the hurt i did to her, my love, the one.

+++The Penitent man knee's as he prays for forgiveness+++

.........Bummer

Iv realised this now, all the people you will ever meet are just yet more creatures that are full of shit and only want to fuck you around, humans are a pitiful and pathetic species, they make me glad that metal things were invented......

+++The litines of hate command only the pure in the name of he who is pure+++

Iv been travling for a good few weeks now i'l be writing again soon, just to say im back and im not dead yet.

+++Trust know one as there is know one to trust+++

Hell and High Water

So i did it, i completed the whole 40 day challenge that i had set myself, over the time the reasons for doing it changed over the course of it but the end result really kinda worked i learned alot about life and the people who are in this life with us and those who are willing to walk by our side and those that will just cut and run when they feel like that is the best thing to do, i know that i have come through this and i feel like a better person on the inside and i have received so many compliment's on how i have been and what i have done i feel very good about what i have done and how i have changed im so proud that i have achieved my aim and i know that if i want to succeed at something then all i really have to do is want it and put my mind to it and i can now do anything, hell iv even lost loads of weight dropped down a jeans size or two as all of my clothes don't fit me any more which is a pain as jeans are expensive when you have no money as you spent it all on a new tattoo but i wanted it as the symbolises are really important to me and my life. Things can always go so well and so shit at both times iv gone through mass problems without trying to actually thinking that i had even done anything to cause a problem in the first place so it makes me feel like shit on the inside. If i lived in the states i would own a .44 by now and would make myself feel free. Hatred and love run so closely together its very hard to see what we really want. If you want to know more you know where i am. There is a darkness inside all of us.

+++Never say goodbye, Only say see you soon+++

Infernal Device

Well im blogging again so it's time to pour out some feelings. There are many types of people in this world from the asshole's that they give a shit about you to the battle brothers that will actually hold buy you through life, fair weather friends are the people that just use you until they find something new to play with. Iv lost alot of friends and watched them go in the past but since i started my 40 day challenge i have gained the respect that i wanted back from people who can see what im trying to do and who im actually trying to be, not some lazy fat shit that just watches movie's and fucks for fun, im a better person now and i have true respect from the people i care about and they show it back. I may have been a little hasty saying i never need slice myself again, but im booked in for another appointment with the tattooist so that should help me out a bit more. im drawing more and more lately i can feel my creative talents coming back i feel younger like i used to in the days when i believed in virtue and honour. With fate and love i will always be here to watch you.

+++Deus Ex Machina+++

Enlightenment

Remember why i started this blog people, so i could let out all of my verbal ache's and pains well here comes the big outburst of hate that everyone has always wanted, anyone who knows me at least a bit well will know that due to the unbalanced nature of my ways to cross me or hurt me once and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt but to hurt me emotionally more than once and then you will have summoned down all of the vengeance that i can muster, which is pretty big when you watch and study people and realise that most of them are selfish users who want nothing more than to tear out your insides to make themselves feel better about their pathetic and shabby lives, i intend to pull an amazing recovery after being hurt very badly by someone i wish to rise up, like when my house-mate Tom was dumped by his girlfriend, by 12 the next day i could already hear him and someone else having sex in the room above me, god dam the thin floors in my house, that's a brilliant example of jumping straight back on the horse. Never Wound Something You Cant Kill, that's something that everyone should always remember and never ever try to take on something that is more twisted than you and hope to walk away smelling of roses and unhurt. My Darling Beki has been telling me when it's right and wrong to unleash my dark and twisty side and you know what locking it away so i can be romantic and have cuddles and talk about the world is really good, and letting it out in controlled ways is very helpful, she really does care alot, and she is amazing when the lights go out as well lol. Most of this blog entry is just random bits of data in my head little streams of information that i need to get out of my head. I don't hate my X, atm it's on the very tip of hate, but she needs to learn that people are people not just toys for her amusement things that she can toss around on a whim, which is what she has done with oh so many people now, she need's to be alone to actually learn a lesson or two not just use others as she always has done, unless she learns something she will never be cared for by anyone. DO you know all the things that i really hate, here's a list; long car journeys, chav's, egg's, football thugs, Being Played For A Fool, snipers on games, waking up to find its raining, mushrooms, the colour yellow, People Who Use Other People Like Pawns In Chess, Christian evangelists, yanks, my tattoo itching and i cant scratch it, LYING HUMANS.......with that list written out yes it is true at any one time i can hate an awful lot of things all at the same time, and yes i probably don't like you who are reading this very much at all if i were actually to meet you. I really have alot of aggression, alot i must find a vent for that, i need a duelling partner again, to fight is to unleash the beasts that are in your soul and i think mine really does need to be let out rite now. All that i am righting is my thought chain, my unsanity in the patters of logic that stream out of my head. It was a half good move coming home i really miss Beki and i miss her at night already but if i didn't come back i probably would have snapped the heads off the sunshine gang and then systematicly gone round destroying things that looked like they needed it, at least at home i can be calmed, Woo-Saa!! If anyone thinks all of this is real then they have another thin coming, ok i don't hate the colour yellow, i just dont like it, the rest is pretty real. I miss my Beki she would hug me through the night and bring my unsanity levels back to normal

+++Never Wound What You Cant Kill+++

The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life.....

I never need to cut myself again. Now that is one hell of an opening statement i know but it's true, there are much better things i can do instead, and they don't leave me covered in unsightly scares all over my body. I had my first ever tattoo done today and it was one of the strangest feelings ever, the only thing i can say that it is like is having a blunt knife tip scratching at your skin, it do-sent hurt it just feels like someone is deeply scratching you, but the sensation is so nice, the feeling is exquisite in its touch on your flesh. I drew and designed my tattoo, it is mine alone and is very important to me, i don't care what anyone else says. Im happy, truly happy with myself, iv got a much better outlook on life and everyone can see it now, people pay me compliments when im not expecting them, well probably because no one has before and it makes me feel more alive than ever, i love life to the full iv lost so much weight and i have gained so much confidence already, i really have shown my true colours now the way i am now is the way i will lead my life from here on as i have been, no longer am i the fat, stupid, drunk bastard that i was, i am now who i choose to be and i choose life and a shot at happiness, to make something. I know that people can se that i have changed, now for them just to believe it all works. when i started this 40 days without drink i was doing it for different reasons, now i am doing it for myself alone as there is only myself that i want to prove this to any more. My faith in humans is gone but my faith in my true real friends, my brothers, only gets stronger every day. Sealed in a heart shaped box.

+++Life and love will always find it's way to where it belongs+++

A Good Day Gone Bad

Im on to day 13 of my 40 days and its going well. Iv been going to the gym and the box daily and iv been hiking a few times now and i feel great. to nite was amusing it's the first time i have DJ'ed in a fair while and defonatly the first time iv done it without drinking whilst doing it it was really fun to do i got to watch all the people in the bar get hammered it was fun, then at the end had a good old long chat with mike, it seems that people have gained alot of respect for me for doing my new lifestyle and actually sticking to it and really trying to change for the better. when i was alone tho i was ill at the end of the nite and was rather sick but i was only dry retching but there was blood in it so i feel a little worried about it, that turned a good few days bad, not fun.

+++The best way to a man's heart, Clean through his ribcage+++

Arming Chamber

So i have now gone ten hole days without doing anything on my list, iv started eating better and looking out in life, i love the new me, and my real friends have started to notice the huge change in me and my attitude towards everything. in my first ten days i have already gone down a jeans size and a half in just over a week all it takes is a lot of effort and willpower. i have learned to control myself, control who i am. Im fighting for what i believe in, i still have the feelings in my heart that i always have but i am changing my moral compass. There isn't a day that goes by that goes buy where i feel happy unless i have done something active, i love it. i feel good in my mind and my body is looking better and better each day, im getting stronger and alot thinner. I have a very old version of me back, and i like it im not a fat bastard any more im improving every day as a person, and i love it. With all my heart to you.

+++Feet first for victory+++

Rock, Hearts, Shoes and Feelings

I have now gone a full 8 days with out drink and with a very healthy lifestyle and i feel different, i feel like i am a better person for doing this and my real friends have noticed the big change and they think its a good thing. i still hold the same things in my heart and i still love the same people that i did when i started this but i feel different, i personally feel like this is the best thing i have ever done, and who said miracles cant happen because im forcing one to happen to me,in my opinion, to me im changing for the better and i have never felt better, all i need to do is to sort out my heart and soul once i have sorted out my body i know now that anything can be achieved if you just lock your mind into doing something, i have dug into my soul and found something i am so glad i have found. yesterday i went out climbing at scout crag and it was amazing, im so glad i have taken up actually doing things with my life and a little thing such as buying a pair of shoes can make a massive change, it was a perfect day out, well almost perfect, perfection cannot be held yet in my life as its still missing something but that's another thing to set my mind to. I choose the knights Vow and i will uphold it from here on until i die. On another note i have started to really noticeably lose weight, i don't feel like the fat fuck i used to be, which is bonza, Pete re-con's i will look pretty fine in a very short time, i hope so that would be great!!!!

+++Love is eternal+++

Darkness.......

My happiness has dried up, im now just fighting to make people think differently of me, to show them who i can be.

Iv been manicly down and depressed for the last two days to the point where i have had to have a mate stay in my room and watch me at night to make sure i don't do anything stupid, and thank god they are here. I know that in my room there is 56 paracetermol 22 nerofen 8 beechems tablets, 4 different blades and 4 litres of paraffin i know this because i have had them all out and counted them, and i know how to use all of those to make me not feel any more, thank god sometimes there are people who actually do care what happens to us otherwise i think i would be a very bloody mess rite now.......

+++Hello Darkness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again+++

Feelings And Thoughts

Iv not had a drink for 3 days but im already begging to feel the change, and i want this to happen to me, iv wanted to change , iv wanted my miracle to happen to me and i thought it would happen all on its own, but i realised that things never happen without you putting in the effort and i have finally realised that these things that i want will never happen if i don't change, so that's the real reason why i have taken my Vow, because if i don't put any effort in then nothing will happen and nothing will change or be like how i want them to be, and that will mean that i will never be happy and i cant live like that.

I sit and think alot about what i really want out of life, i keep thinking about that little house somewhere with three kids and a wife, she'll never let me name any of the kids, not with the names id pick but i wont mind, id like 2 boys and a girl that would be nice. id like the house to be detached away from others not to far away tho but far enough. id like both me and my wife to work, id be happy to do anything for a job so long as i made her happy always. i have these ideas when i am awake and when im asleep, always when im sober, i know what i want to get out of this life, that's why i have made this choice to grow up finally, as much as i would love to be a child forever not caring about anything, i have found out that my heart cant do it, my head may have fort i could never grow up, but my heart has decided its time that it showed its self instead of letting the rest of me ruin who i am really. With all my Love to you who read this.

+++Why is it that the unhappiness of not having someone to look afteryou and hold you are the times when we most need someone to look after us and hold us?+++

Why??

do human beings have this inbuilt abilty to disapoint?

are they programmed to be complete mess ups?

sometimes i despiar with mankind!!

we r a complete screw up of a race, we should all be shot!!

god-whatever your playing at-stop peeing about and make things work the right way!!

One For The Deep Thought

Been a few days since my last post but a bit has happened in my unfortunately ever changing world and mental state. Iv been turned into a social reject, lost alot of my friends and even one of my house mates do'sent really speak to me, hay ho that seems to be my life tho. When you fall in love you can fall really hard and it will always hurt an awful lot because the ground isn't really that soft. Iv taken a Vow not to drink do drugs or have sex for 40 days and 40 nights, so im not smoking with Tom late at nite, no drinking with the guys and well no sex, not that i get any anyway lol. Iv taken this Vow to show people that im not an ass hole and that i can really change for the better, so this is day two of the 40 days, i want to go through hell so i can show the people i love and care about that i am a good person and not just your average scum bag, i love (....) fill in that blank for yourself. Humans are however a virus or a plague they are all corrupt and they all lie to your face and they do it with a smile on their faces they are always twisting things that they say. I dont want people to think of me like that, i tell the truth from here on in, anyone can ask me anything i i will tell them how, why, what, when, who or whatever they want. I am re-swearing the old code that i used to live by and now i am going to live by it forever, I am re-taking my knightly vows, i am blood and honour bound to the old code, i swear this on my life and i will uphold honour from here on, i have walked the path of the dark and now i will walk in the path of light. At the end of my 40 days of my time in the desert, alone in my own head i will have become stronger and i will be a better person for it. Jesus was a man of the people we were meant to follow his example, so i want to try and follow in his shadow, i will not be as great or as good or even close to him, but i will at least try in his example (and yes i will clear this up, im not a Christian, but i have been reading the bible, tho i don't keep it as my faith i can see why people believe in it, and i believe in the messages in it now, interesting fact) I will make people believe in me, im not saying hope as hoping leaves you with nothing, so i AM doing this and nothing will stop me. Love from me to you.

+++True love does not compromise nor condone hate; It destroys it-UB 188:5.2+++

The Second Of That Promised Two Parter.

LOVE

What is love??

Why do we feel it??

What does it do for us??

Love is the only other pure emotion that that can control what we do and what we feel. Other emotions are born from it; happiness, hope, joy, ecstasy all of the emotions that we feel that we are meant to enjoy are all born from the emotion of love. Love lifts us up when we feel down, it is also the only emotion i personally believe that can counter the the true blooded feeling that hate can give us, it can smother it hate like a blanket. Iv been in love, i know what it feels like you devote yourself to another and you want to protect them, but what if love goes to far you want to help and protect to many people but you don't love them with all of your heart but in a way you love them and all you want to do is protect your friendships and those people who care about you, if caring for one person causes damage to other relationships you may have that is when you realise that love, just like hate, can consume you but not in the way it was meant to, when you realise that, if you can do it soon enough then you are faced with pain full choices, cut away from it all and really think about what you are and what you want, or just keep going and let it all build up until the love that you should be feeling slowly grinds away and turns into hate. So what have i done is cut myself out of peoples lives, i have had to remove myself to give others the chance to be happy. if thats all i can do then thats what i will have to do. Im in love with a girl who doesn't know how she feels about me, i was told to not have hope for anything so when i did that all i got was hate for my actions, love hurts when people refuse to hear what you have to say to them and still refuse to listen. Love is the stronger emotion out of love and hate, it can win over anything if people believe in what it really is. Love is an emotion that i feel on a daily basis for others not for me, i hate myself and love others, Love and Hate, the two pure emotions both covered from my point of view, i hope you internet people can see something in this, iv gone deep for a reason, i want people to know that i have a heart and that i do feel........

And Here's The First Of Our Two Parter...

HATE.

What is hate??

Why do we feel it??

Does it help us or does it just hinder us in life??

Well im opening up everything i think on this subject that i think and i believe. Hate is something that is inside us all, and personally it isn't something that we should shy away from, it is another emotion that we can use to our advantage or if we take it to far it will work against us, just like every other emotion, they all at a funder mental work in the exact same way. Hate is one of two pure human emotions, there is only hate and love, everything else is just a sub level of those two. Hate is the emotion that grants us access to the dark side of our personality, everyone has a dark side, even those people who look and act like they don't really do, hate and vengeance are inside us all we just need to have the right triggers to activate it in our minds and use it to our advantage. With hate you must have your own limits tho and you must know what they are otherwise you can be consumed by the hate you can muster. I use hate when i need to, mostly on myself as it is productive in what i need to feel often, sometimes it can be more productive to focus your hate onto yourself as hate is something that helps to destroy, like at the moment i hate myself for hurting others and others hate me for the same reason so instead of channel that hate at he people that hate me i channel it inwards so hurt myself mentally and physically, pain helps. If i were to just o around hating everyone i wouldn't get very far in life but to hate myself i dont have to show that to anyone but me and it is constructive for me. No one knows what it is like to be me on the inside or to do the things that i do, either that or people just dont bother to take the time out of their lives to sit down and talk to find out what is really going on. If there is one thing i think we should do it is sit and talk to each other and try to understand what is really going on and why we feel the pain of hate in our lives. connect or suffer, that is life all over.

+++Above all else have faith, It is our sword and our shield, Our strength and our protector+++

Watchman

I have been thinking on the move lately so my post will be long today as its notes that iv written down.

Have you ever felt so fully detached from everyone in such a busy that even when you are surrounded by hundreds of people that you can feel so alone yet so crowded at the same time, its the strangest feeling, you feel like you want to belong in in a place but you really cant even if you really try hard to, it just doesn't work. That's how i feel when i leave my house, it isn't how i am meant to feel by the constraints of normal humanity, but yet it still happens. You get the impression that the world and society wants you to be in a certain place but the people in that place don't want you around, not even the people you want to be around and spend your time with. I wrote all of this in the one club in town, i use the term club loosely. It must look so strange but it feels so natural for me to be able to just detach myself from the world, even if i am surrounded by all of my so called 'friends' have you ever just sat and watched people who are drunk?? its like your own private human social experiment, people arnt that fussed that they put on a show all the other time that you see them, but when they are drunk you can see the real side to them. When i was wrighting all of this down i was sat in a corner unable to escape, but i was watching all the people who had paired up or made their little groups, and then there was me, no one was talking to me they just kinda lance over me, it allowed me to to watch the world turn and the people all slowly grind on the same way that they always do, its so repetitive, i wish people would realise that sometimes you dont have to do what you think is rite by society but actually what you want to do, you may get frowned on for a while but if those so called 'friends' are worth a dam then really they wont care. Maybe im not here for the same reasons as everyone else maybe im just meant to watch. I love her. Watching does nothing if you cant learn from what you see, maybe i should start to act on what i know about people, but then i mite start turning into a real human and that could leave more scars upon my heart.

I wrote almost all of that in a club, i was impressed, still am come to think of it, i actually have a subject for anyone out there reading this for my next post.....Im going to be thinking about Hate and Love, there's summit to look forward to.

+++Walk softly, And carry a big gun+++

The Miracle Worker

When life really gets you down sometimes it just loves to throw a really curved ball that hits you out of nowhere, yesterday was one of those days it had soreing highs and endless lows, life will always remain one of the biggest mystery's to me it always confuses me. One thing was very clear i must turn from normal me into miracle working me, what needs to be done may be tricky and it may take alot of effort and work but if it is to make me happy then i will not step away or shy from it. I must succeed to be hole again, as that is a aim truly worth it.

My head is very confused at the moment and iv only been back in the northern lands for 2 days and i think my head has been spun round so much it mite fall off. I'll make a start, love is a silly thing to try to understand, it can go from hate to longing in a single second with very little having to be said or done, one moment you can think that someone is more likely to hit you than kiss you then the next your sat in the arm's of your heart and its all the other way round. The next thing i have to do is prove that i can change and make everyone see it then i will be known as the good person i want people to see me as as i will be able to make all the world rite and that will make everyone happy, that's the aim, so do it i must.

Into the real world of information i have had my exam yesterday and i feel that it went well i really hope i did well in it because otherwise im going to not have anything to do and that will really not make life any easier.

Thanks to anyone who's reading i hope your all well. Now to go and prove im a good person, now where's a granny i can help across the road....

+++Repent for tomorrow you may die+++

Welcome home outcast

Rite, im still here, a little more from me again, if your reading this then you must have some serious boredom issues, but thank you for taking your time to do it. Im back up in the northwilds of England again after a long journey back up from the south, i spent my time thinking about my life and all of the things that are going on in my head, like what i want from my time on this earth and why, what im doing here, who do i like to be with, who do i want to be with and why, what am i really aiming to do in life. Yes that's right i have been thinking ALOT, more than i ever really do about anything, bits and bobs will come out on here im sure. first of all why am i at uni, and to answer that im not at all sure, im only doing this course because i wanted to see somewhere new and instead i have fallen in love with the place and somebody here, i have all but forgotten why i liked to learn and instead just want to live out my life seeing what there is to see from places people and things, i want to live a life of experiences, to try things that iv not tried before, i want to feel like its actually worth something being alive, i want company on my travels and i want to enjoy their company. I like righting things down on here, even tho i dont know if this is being read or not it feels like i am talking to someone who actually gives a rats ass about my life.

+++Each path most be chosen with care, Least disaster swallow us hole+++

Number 2, im trying.......

I said i was no good at this blogging stuff, keep meaning to do it every day but i dont but i want to rite some stuff down, like i said in my first post, just to keep me a bit more sane. unfortunately i have to head back up to my uni soon, i dont want too, there are people i love being with up there but there are also people i loathe to even share my oxygen with that live in the same gutter shit that i have to. My life seemed to be going so well, then as always i managed to fuck it all up over christmas and that is why i hate myself, i broke mine and my girlfriends hearts, i got drunk at a party and i was used to get revenge and since then i have hated myself ever since, even when i look like im having a good day, really its far from it, i found love and i dont mean just poxy proxy love, i mean Disney stuff, and i ruined it.

Well into day to day, real world shit now. Got a new fone now to replace the old fucked one that 8 and 9 didnt work on, tis all shiney and touch screen oooooh the marvels of technology........

sarcasm, if you cant think of anything nice to say, be nasty with nice words. I was a good old fasioned geek all day to day and played warhammer with my good mate, it was a draw, but a good game.

+++An open mind is like a fortress with its gates unbarred and open+++

My Blogging Virginity

First of all, hi outside world.

Iv never done anything like this before and it could be interesting to see how long it goes on for, but we will see.

First of all i'll start as i mean to go on, i am a bad person, i know this and i live with it, im not hunting sympathy out on this web thingy i just want to vent stress out of my life. At this exact time of starting i am a 20 year old alcoholic who smokes too much and pretty much hates my own existence, there are many reasons for this which i will end up venting through slowly as i try and work through them. To try not to make my entire life seem like one big morbid joke to reality im gunna try to just sit and rite random shite out with no attachments to anything else.

I will start at the beginning im a real bad person which is why a hate myself, im a heart breaker and make other people who get close to me very sad and upset, which is what i have realised is the thing that is making me really down as all i have ever wanted to do is make other people happy but in doing so i almost always seem to shatter other people and more so myself, the cause of my unhappiness is me......

Im a uni student in the north of England im studying a joke of a degree but if it gets me a grade then i dont care so long as it gets me some sort of bit of paper with summit on it that says im not pit-scum and i can do summit a bit better than every other bugger on the planet. the town im studding in isnt very big and the people who call you a friend are also just as likely to be the ones who are spreading hate behind your back, its a glorious place. At this point tho i am at at home in the south of England as i needed to get space away from the place i live in up there.

Well i think this will do for my first ever blogg, there we go, virginity lost, good night.

+++ Knowledge is power, Guard it well+++