Enlightenment

Remember why i started this blog people, so i could let out all of my verbal ache's and pains well here comes the big outburst of hate that everyone has always wanted, anyone who knows me at least a bit well will know that due to the unbalanced nature of my ways to cross me or hurt me once and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt but to hurt me emotionally more than once and then you will have summoned down all of the vengeance that i can muster, which is pretty big when you watch and study people and realise that most of them are selfish users who want nothing more than to tear out your insides to make themselves feel better about their pathetic and shabby lives, i intend to pull an amazing recovery after being hurt very badly by someone i wish to rise up, like when my house-mate Tom was dumped by his girlfriend, by 12 the next day i could already hear him and someone else having sex in the room above me, god dam the thin floors in my house, that's a brilliant example of jumping straight back on the horse. Never Wound Something You Cant Kill, that's something that everyone should always remember and never ever try to take on something that is more twisted than you and hope to walk away smelling of roses and unhurt. My Darling Beki has been telling me when it's right and wrong to unleash my dark and twisty side and you know what locking it away so i can be romantic and have cuddles and talk about the world is really good, and letting it out in controlled ways is very helpful, she really does care alot, and she is amazing when the lights go out as well lol. Most of this blog entry is just random bits of data in my head little streams of information that i need to get out of my head. I don't hate my X, atm it's on the very tip of hate, but she needs to learn that people are people not just toys for her amusement things that she can toss around on a whim, which is what she has done with oh so many people now, she need's to be alone to actually learn a lesson or two not just use others as she always has done, unless she learns something she will never be cared for by anyone. DO you know all the things that i really hate, here's a list; long car journeys, chav's, egg's, football thugs, Being Played For A Fool, snipers on games, waking up to find its raining, mushrooms, the colour yellow, People Who Use Other People Like Pawns In Chess, Christian evangelists, yanks, my tattoo itching and i cant scratch it, LYING HUMANS.......with that list written out yes it is true at any one time i can hate an awful lot of things all at the same time, and yes i probably don't like you who are reading this very much at all if i were actually to meet you. I really have alot of aggression, alot i must find a vent for that, i need a duelling partner again, to fight is to unleash the beasts that are in your soul and i think mine really does need to be let out rite now. All that i am righting is my thought chain, my unsanity in the patters of logic that stream out of my head. It was a half good move coming home i really miss Beki and i miss her at night already but if i didn't come back i probably would have snapped the heads off the sunshine gang and then systematicly gone round destroying things that looked like they needed it, at least at home i can be calmed, Woo-Saa!! If anyone thinks all of this is real then they have another thin coming, ok i don't hate the colour yellow, i just dont like it, the rest is pretty real. I miss my Beki she would hug me through the night and bring my unsanity levels back to normal

+++Never Wound What You Cant Kill+++

The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life.....

I never need to cut myself again. Now that is one hell of an opening statement i know but it's true, there are much better things i can do instead, and they don't leave me covered in unsightly scares all over my body. I had my first ever tattoo done today and it was one of the strangest feelings ever, the only thing i can say that it is like is having a blunt knife tip scratching at your skin, it do-sent hurt it just feels like someone is deeply scratching you, but the sensation is so nice, the feeling is exquisite in its touch on your flesh. I drew and designed my tattoo, it is mine alone and is very important to me, i don't care what anyone else says. Im happy, truly happy with myself, iv got a much better outlook on life and everyone can see it now, people pay me compliments when im not expecting them, well probably because no one has before and it makes me feel more alive than ever, i love life to the full iv lost so much weight and i have gained so much confidence already, i really have shown my true colours now the way i am now is the way i will lead my life from here on as i have been, no longer am i the fat, stupid, drunk bastard that i was, i am now who i choose to be and i choose life and a shot at happiness, to make something. I know that people can se that i have changed, now for them just to believe it all works. when i started this 40 days without drink i was doing it for different reasons, now i am doing it for myself alone as there is only myself that i want to prove this to any more. My faith in humans is gone but my faith in my true real friends, my brothers, only gets stronger every day. Sealed in a heart shaped box.

+++Life and love will always find it's way to where it belongs+++

A Good Day Gone Bad

Im on to day 13 of my 40 days and its going well. Iv been going to the gym and the box daily and iv been hiking a few times now and i feel great. to nite was amusing it's the first time i have DJ'ed in a fair while and defonatly the first time iv done it without drinking whilst doing it it was really fun to do i got to watch all the people in the bar get hammered it was fun, then at the end had a good old long chat with mike, it seems that people have gained alot of respect for me for doing my new lifestyle and actually sticking to it and really trying to change for the better. when i was alone tho i was ill at the end of the nite and was rather sick but i was only dry retching but there was blood in it so i feel a little worried about it, that turned a good few days bad, not fun.

+++The best way to a man's heart, Clean through his ribcage+++

Arming Chamber

So i have now gone ten hole days without doing anything on my list, iv started eating better and looking out in life, i love the new me, and my real friends have started to notice the huge change in me and my attitude towards everything. in my first ten days i have already gone down a jeans size and a half in just over a week all it takes is a lot of effort and willpower. i have learned to control myself, control who i am. Im fighting for what i believe in, i still have the feelings in my heart that i always have but i am changing my moral compass. There isn't a day that goes by that goes buy where i feel happy unless i have done something active, i love it. i feel good in my mind and my body is looking better and better each day, im getting stronger and alot thinner. I have a very old version of me back, and i like it im not a fat bastard any more im improving every day as a person, and i love it. With all my heart to you.

+++Feet first for victory+++

Rock, Hearts, Shoes and Feelings

I have now gone a full 8 days with out drink and with a very healthy lifestyle and i feel different, i feel like i am a better person for doing this and my real friends have noticed the big change and they think its a good thing. i still hold the same things in my heart and i still love the same people that i did when i started this but i feel different, i personally feel like this is the best thing i have ever done, and who said miracles cant happen because im forcing one to happen to me,in my opinion, to me im changing for the better and i have never felt better, all i need to do is to sort out my heart and soul once i have sorted out my body i know now that anything can be achieved if you just lock your mind into doing something, i have dug into my soul and found something i am so glad i have found. yesterday i went out climbing at scout crag and it was amazing, im so glad i have taken up actually doing things with my life and a little thing such as buying a pair of shoes can make a massive change, it was a perfect day out, well almost perfect, perfection cannot be held yet in my life as its still missing something but that's another thing to set my mind to. I choose the knights Vow and i will uphold it from here on until i die. On another note i have started to really noticeably lose weight, i don't feel like the fat fuck i used to be, which is bonza, Pete re-con's i will look pretty fine in a very short time, i hope so that would be great!!!!

+++Love is eternal+++

Darkness.......

My happiness has dried up, im now just fighting to make people think differently of me, to show them who i can be.

Iv been manicly down and depressed for the last two days to the point where i have had to have a mate stay in my room and watch me at night to make sure i don't do anything stupid, and thank god they are here. I know that in my room there is 56 paracetermol 22 nerofen 8 beechems tablets, 4 different blades and 4 litres of paraffin i know this because i have had them all out and counted them, and i know how to use all of those to make me not feel any more, thank god sometimes there are people who actually do care what happens to us otherwise i think i would be a very bloody mess rite now.......

+++Hello Darkness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again+++

Feelings And Thoughts

Iv not had a drink for 3 days but im already begging to feel the change, and i want this to happen to me, iv wanted to change , iv wanted my miracle to happen to me and i thought it would happen all on its own, but i realised that things never happen without you putting in the effort and i have finally realised that these things that i want will never happen if i don't change, so that's the real reason why i have taken my Vow, because if i don't put any effort in then nothing will happen and nothing will change or be like how i want them to be, and that will mean that i will never be happy and i cant live like that.

I sit and think alot about what i really want out of life, i keep thinking about that little house somewhere with three kids and a wife, she'll never let me name any of the kids, not with the names id pick but i wont mind, id like 2 boys and a girl that would be nice. id like the house to be detached away from others not to far away tho but far enough. id like both me and my wife to work, id be happy to do anything for a job so long as i made her happy always. i have these ideas when i am awake and when im asleep, always when im sober, i know what i want to get out of this life, that's why i have made this choice to grow up finally, as much as i would love to be a child forever not caring about anything, i have found out that my heart cant do it, my head may have fort i could never grow up, but my heart has decided its time that it showed its self instead of letting the rest of me ruin who i am really. With all my Love to you who read this.

+++Why is it that the unhappiness of not having someone to look afteryou and hold you are the times when we most need someone to look after us and hold us?+++

Why??

do human beings have this inbuilt abilty to disapoint?

are they programmed to be complete mess ups?

sometimes i despiar with mankind!!

we r a complete screw up of a race, we should all be shot!!

god-whatever your playing at-stop peeing about and make things work the right way!!

One For The Deep Thought

Been a few days since my last post but a bit has happened in my unfortunately ever changing world and mental state. Iv been turned into a social reject, lost alot of my friends and even one of my house mates do'sent really speak to me, hay ho that seems to be my life tho. When you fall in love you can fall really hard and it will always hurt an awful lot because the ground isn't really that soft. Iv taken a Vow not to drink do drugs or have sex for 40 days and 40 nights, so im not smoking with Tom late at nite, no drinking with the guys and well no sex, not that i get any anyway lol. Iv taken this Vow to show people that im not an ass hole and that i can really change for the better, so this is day two of the 40 days, i want to go through hell so i can show the people i love and care about that i am a good person and not just your average scum bag, i love (....) fill in that blank for yourself. Humans are however a virus or a plague they are all corrupt and they all lie to your face and they do it with a smile on their faces they are always twisting things that they say. I dont want people to think of me like that, i tell the truth from here on in, anyone can ask me anything i i will tell them how, why, what, when, who or whatever they want. I am re-swearing the old code that i used to live by and now i am going to live by it forever, I am re-taking my knightly vows, i am blood and honour bound to the old code, i swear this on my life and i will uphold honour from here on, i have walked the path of the dark and now i will walk in the path of light. At the end of my 40 days of my time in the desert, alone in my own head i will have become stronger and i will be a better person for it. Jesus was a man of the people we were meant to follow his example, so i want to try and follow in his shadow, i will not be as great or as good or even close to him, but i will at least try in his example (and yes i will clear this up, im not a Christian, but i have been reading the bible, tho i don't keep it as my faith i can see why people believe in it, and i believe in the messages in it now, interesting fact) I will make people believe in me, im not saying hope as hoping leaves you with nothing, so i AM doing this and nothing will stop me. Love from me to you.

+++True love does not compromise nor condone hate; It destroys it-UB 188:5.2+++