The Second Of That Promised Two Parter.

LOVE

What is love??

Why do we feel it??

What does it do for us??

Love is the only other pure emotion that that can control what we do and what we feel. Other emotions are born from it; happiness, hope, joy, ecstasy all of the emotions that we feel that we are meant to enjoy are all born from the emotion of love. Love lifts us up when we feel down, it is also the only emotion i personally believe that can counter the the true blooded feeling that hate can give us, it can smother it hate like a blanket. Iv been in love, i know what it feels like you devote yourself to another and you want to protect them, but what if love goes to far you want to help and protect to many people but you don't love them with all of your heart but in a way you love them and all you want to do is protect your friendships and those people who care about you, if caring for one person causes damage to other relationships you may have that is when you realise that love, just like hate, can consume you but not in the way it was meant to, when you realise that, if you can do it soon enough then you are faced with pain full choices, cut away from it all and really think about what you are and what you want, or just keep going and let it all build up until the love that you should be feeling slowly grinds away and turns into hate. So what have i done is cut myself out of peoples lives, i have had to remove myself to give others the chance to be happy. if thats all i can do then thats what i will have to do. Im in love with a girl who doesn't know how she feels about me, i was told to not have hope for anything so when i did that all i got was hate for my actions, love hurts when people refuse to hear what you have to say to them and still refuse to listen. Love is the stronger emotion out of love and hate, it can win over anything if people believe in what it really is. Love is an emotion that i feel on a daily basis for others not for me, i hate myself and love others, Love and Hate, the two pure emotions both covered from my point of view, i hope you internet people can see something in this, iv gone deep for a reason, i want people to know that i have a heart and that i do feel........

And Here's The First Of Our Two Parter...

HATE.

What is hate??

Why do we feel it??

Does it help us or does it just hinder us in life??

Well im opening up everything i think on this subject that i think and i believe. Hate is something that is inside us all, and personally it isn't something that we should shy away from, it is another emotion that we can use to our advantage or if we take it to far it will work against us, just like every other emotion, they all at a funder mental work in the exact same way. Hate is one of two pure human emotions, there is only hate and love, everything else is just a sub level of those two. Hate is the emotion that grants us access to the dark side of our personality, everyone has a dark side, even those people who look and act like they don't really do, hate and vengeance are inside us all we just need to have the right triggers to activate it in our minds and use it to our advantage. With hate you must have your own limits tho and you must know what they are otherwise you can be consumed by the hate you can muster. I use hate when i need to, mostly on myself as it is productive in what i need to feel often, sometimes it can be more productive to focus your hate onto yourself as hate is something that helps to destroy, like at the moment i hate myself for hurting others and others hate me for the same reason so instead of channel that hate at he people that hate me i channel it inwards so hurt myself mentally and physically, pain helps. If i were to just o around hating everyone i wouldn't get very far in life but to hate myself i dont have to show that to anyone but me and it is constructive for me. No one knows what it is like to be me on the inside or to do the things that i do, either that or people just dont bother to take the time out of their lives to sit down and talk to find out what is really going on. If there is one thing i think we should do it is sit and talk to each other and try to understand what is really going on and why we feel the pain of hate in our lives. connect or suffer, that is life all over.

+++Above all else have faith, It is our sword and our shield, Our strength and our protector+++

Watchman

I have been thinking on the move lately so my post will be long today as its notes that iv written down.

Have you ever felt so fully detached from everyone in such a busy that even when you are surrounded by hundreds of people that you can feel so alone yet so crowded at the same time, its the strangest feeling, you feel like you want to belong in in a place but you really cant even if you really try hard to, it just doesn't work. That's how i feel when i leave my house, it isn't how i am meant to feel by the constraints of normal humanity, but yet it still happens. You get the impression that the world and society wants you to be in a certain place but the people in that place don't want you around, not even the people you want to be around and spend your time with. I wrote all of this in the one club in town, i use the term club loosely. It must look so strange but it feels so natural for me to be able to just detach myself from the world, even if i am surrounded by all of my so called 'friends' have you ever just sat and watched people who are drunk?? its like your own private human social experiment, people arnt that fussed that they put on a show all the other time that you see them, but when they are drunk you can see the real side to them. When i was wrighting all of this down i was sat in a corner unable to escape, but i was watching all the people who had paired up or made their little groups, and then there was me, no one was talking to me they just kinda lance over me, it allowed me to to watch the world turn and the people all slowly grind on the same way that they always do, its so repetitive, i wish people would realise that sometimes you dont have to do what you think is rite by society but actually what you want to do, you may get frowned on for a while but if those so called 'friends' are worth a dam then really they wont care. Maybe im not here for the same reasons as everyone else maybe im just meant to watch. I love her. Watching does nothing if you cant learn from what you see, maybe i should start to act on what i know about people, but then i mite start turning into a real human and that could leave more scars upon my heart.

I wrote almost all of that in a club, i was impressed, still am come to think of it, i actually have a subject for anyone out there reading this for my next post.....Im going to be thinking about Hate and Love, there's summit to look forward to.

+++Walk softly, And carry a big gun+++

The Miracle Worker

When life really gets you down sometimes it just loves to throw a really curved ball that hits you out of nowhere, yesterday was one of those days it had soreing highs and endless lows, life will always remain one of the biggest mystery's to me it always confuses me. One thing was very clear i must turn from normal me into miracle working me, what needs to be done may be tricky and it may take alot of effort and work but if it is to make me happy then i will not step away or shy from it. I must succeed to be hole again, as that is a aim truly worth it.

My head is very confused at the moment and iv only been back in the northern lands for 2 days and i think my head has been spun round so much it mite fall off. I'll make a start, love is a silly thing to try to understand, it can go from hate to longing in a single second with very little having to be said or done, one moment you can think that someone is more likely to hit you than kiss you then the next your sat in the arm's of your heart and its all the other way round. The next thing i have to do is prove that i can change and make everyone see it then i will be known as the good person i want people to see me as as i will be able to make all the world rite and that will make everyone happy, that's the aim, so do it i must.

Into the real world of information i have had my exam yesterday and i feel that it went well i really hope i did well in it because otherwise im going to not have anything to do and that will really not make life any easier.

Thanks to anyone who's reading i hope your all well. Now to go and prove im a good person, now where's a granny i can help across the road....

+++Repent for tomorrow you may die+++

Welcome home outcast

Rite, im still here, a little more from me again, if your reading this then you must have some serious boredom issues, but thank you for taking your time to do it. Im back up in the northwilds of England again after a long journey back up from the south, i spent my time thinking about my life and all of the things that are going on in my head, like what i want from my time on this earth and why, what im doing here, who do i like to be with, who do i want to be with and why, what am i really aiming to do in life. Yes that's right i have been thinking ALOT, more than i ever really do about anything, bits and bobs will come out on here im sure. first of all why am i at uni, and to answer that im not at all sure, im only doing this course because i wanted to see somewhere new and instead i have fallen in love with the place and somebody here, i have all but forgotten why i liked to learn and instead just want to live out my life seeing what there is to see from places people and things, i want to live a life of experiences, to try things that iv not tried before, i want to feel like its actually worth something being alive, i want company on my travels and i want to enjoy their company. I like righting things down on here, even tho i dont know if this is being read or not it feels like i am talking to someone who actually gives a rats ass about my life.

+++Each path most be chosen with care, Least disaster swallow us hole+++

Number 2, im trying.......

I said i was no good at this blogging stuff, keep meaning to do it every day but i dont but i want to rite some stuff down, like i said in my first post, just to keep me a bit more sane. unfortunately i have to head back up to my uni soon, i dont want too, there are people i love being with up there but there are also people i loathe to even share my oxygen with that live in the same gutter shit that i have to. My life seemed to be going so well, then as always i managed to fuck it all up over christmas and that is why i hate myself, i broke mine and my girlfriends hearts, i got drunk at a party and i was used to get revenge and since then i have hated myself ever since, even when i look like im having a good day, really its far from it, i found love and i dont mean just poxy proxy love, i mean Disney stuff, and i ruined it.

Well into day to day, real world shit now. Got a new fone now to replace the old fucked one that 8 and 9 didnt work on, tis all shiney and touch screen oooooh the marvels of technology........

sarcasm, if you cant think of anything nice to say, be nasty with nice words. I was a good old fasioned geek all day to day and played warhammer with my good mate, it was a draw, but a good game.

+++An open mind is like a fortress with its gates unbarred and open+++

My Blogging Virginity

First of all, hi outside world.

Iv never done anything like this before and it could be interesting to see how long it goes on for, but we will see.

First of all i'll start as i mean to go on, i am a bad person, i know this and i live with it, im not hunting sympathy out on this web thingy i just want to vent stress out of my life. At this exact time of starting i am a 20 year old alcoholic who smokes too much and pretty much hates my own existence, there are many reasons for this which i will end up venting through slowly as i try and work through them. To try not to make my entire life seem like one big morbid joke to reality im gunna try to just sit and rite random shite out with no attachments to anything else.

I will start at the beginning im a real bad person which is why a hate myself, im a heart breaker and make other people who get close to me very sad and upset, which is what i have realised is the thing that is making me really down as all i have ever wanted to do is make other people happy but in doing so i almost always seem to shatter other people and more so myself, the cause of my unhappiness is me......

Im a uni student in the north of England im studying a joke of a degree but if it gets me a grade then i dont care so long as it gets me some sort of bit of paper with summit on it that says im not pit-scum and i can do summit a bit better than every other bugger on the planet. the town im studding in isnt very big and the people who call you a friend are also just as likely to be the ones who are spreading hate behind your back, its a glorious place. At this point tho i am at at home in the south of England as i needed to get space away from the place i live in up there.

Well i think this will do for my first ever blogg, there we go, virginity lost, good night.

+++ Knowledge is power, Guard it well+++