.........Bummer

Iv realised this now, all the people you will ever meet are just yet more creatures that are full of shit and only want to fuck you around, humans are a pitiful and pathetic species, they make me glad that metal things were invented......

+++The litines of hate command only the pure in the name of he who is pure+++

Iv been travling for a good few weeks now i'l be writing again soon, just to say im back and im not dead yet.

+++Trust know one as there is know one to trust+++

Hell and High Water

So i did it, i completed the whole 40 day challenge that i had set myself, over the time the reasons for doing it changed over the course of it but the end result really kinda worked i learned alot about life and the people who are in this life with us and those who are willing to walk by our side and those that will just cut and run when they feel like that is the best thing to do, i know that i have come through this and i feel like a better person on the inside and i have received so many compliment's on how i have been and what i have done i feel very good about what i have done and how i have changed im so proud that i have achieved my aim and i know that if i want to succeed at something then all i really have to do is want it and put my mind to it and i can now do anything, hell iv even lost loads of weight dropped down a jeans size or two as all of my clothes don't fit me any more which is a pain as jeans are expensive when you have no money as you spent it all on a new tattoo but i wanted it as the symbolises are really important to me and my life. Things can always go so well and so shit at both times iv gone through mass problems without trying to actually thinking that i had even done anything to cause a problem in the first place so it makes me feel like shit on the inside. If i lived in the states i would own a .44 by now and would make myself feel free. Hatred and love run so closely together its very hard to see what we really want. If you want to know more you know where i am. There is a darkness inside all of us.

+++Never say goodbye, Only say see you soon+++

Infernal Device

Well im blogging again so it's time to pour out some feelings. There are many types of people in this world from the asshole's that they give a shit about you to the battle brothers that will actually hold buy you through life, fair weather friends are the people that just use you until they find something new to play with. Iv lost alot of friends and watched them go in the past but since i started my 40 day challenge i have gained the respect that i wanted back from people who can see what im trying to do and who im actually trying to be, not some lazy fat shit that just watches movie's and fucks for fun, im a better person now and i have true respect from the people i care about and they show it back. I may have been a little hasty saying i never need slice myself again, but im booked in for another appointment with the tattooist so that should help me out a bit more. im drawing more and more lately i can feel my creative talents coming back i feel younger like i used to in the days when i believed in virtue and honour. With fate and love i will always be here to watch you.

+++Deus Ex Machina+++

Enlightenment

Remember why i started this blog people, so i could let out all of my verbal ache's and pains well here comes the big outburst of hate that everyone has always wanted, anyone who knows me at least a bit well will know that due to the unbalanced nature of my ways to cross me or hurt me once and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt but to hurt me emotionally more than once and then you will have summoned down all of the vengeance that i can muster, which is pretty big when you watch and study people and realise that most of them are selfish users who want nothing more than to tear out your insides to make themselves feel better about their pathetic and shabby lives, i intend to pull an amazing recovery after being hurt very badly by someone i wish to rise up, like when my house-mate Tom was dumped by his girlfriend, by 12 the next day i could already hear him and someone else having sex in the room above me, god dam the thin floors in my house, that's a brilliant example of jumping straight back on the horse. Never Wound Something You Cant Kill, that's something that everyone should always remember and never ever try to take on something that is more twisted than you and hope to walk away smelling of roses and unhurt. My Darling Beki has been telling me when it's right and wrong to unleash my dark and twisty side and you know what locking it away so i can be romantic and have cuddles and talk about the world is really good, and letting it out in controlled ways is very helpful, she really does care alot, and she is amazing when the lights go out as well lol. Most of this blog entry is just random bits of data in my head little streams of information that i need to get out of my head. I don't hate my X, atm it's on the very tip of hate, but she needs to learn that people are people not just toys for her amusement things that she can toss around on a whim, which is what she has done with oh so many people now, she need's to be alone to actually learn a lesson or two not just use others as she always has done, unless she learns something she will never be cared for by anyone. DO you know all the things that i really hate, here's a list; long car journeys, chav's, egg's, football thugs, Being Played For A Fool, snipers on games, waking up to find its raining, mushrooms, the colour yellow, People Who Use Other People Like Pawns In Chess, Christian evangelists, yanks, my tattoo itching and i cant scratch it, LYING HUMANS.......with that list written out yes it is true at any one time i can hate an awful lot of things all at the same time, and yes i probably don't like you who are reading this very much at all if i were actually to meet you. I really have alot of aggression, alot i must find a vent for that, i need a duelling partner again, to fight is to unleash the beasts that are in your soul and i think mine really does need to be let out rite now. All that i am righting is my thought chain, my unsanity in the patters of logic that stream out of my head. It was a half good move coming home i really miss Beki and i miss her at night already but if i didn't come back i probably would have snapped the heads off the sunshine gang and then systematicly gone round destroying things that looked like they needed it, at least at home i can be calmed, Woo-Saa!! If anyone thinks all of this is real then they have another thin coming, ok i don't hate the colour yellow, i just dont like it, the rest is pretty real. I miss my Beki she would hug me through the night and bring my unsanity levels back to normal

+++Never Wound What You Cant Kill+++

The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life.....

I never need to cut myself again. Now that is one hell of an opening statement i know but it's true, there are much better things i can do instead, and they don't leave me covered in unsightly scares all over my body. I had my first ever tattoo done today and it was one of the strangest feelings ever, the only thing i can say that it is like is having a blunt knife tip scratching at your skin, it do-sent hurt it just feels like someone is deeply scratching you, but the sensation is so nice, the feeling is exquisite in its touch on your flesh. I drew and designed my tattoo, it is mine alone and is very important to me, i don't care what anyone else says. Im happy, truly happy with myself, iv got a much better outlook on life and everyone can see it now, people pay me compliments when im not expecting them, well probably because no one has before and it makes me feel more alive than ever, i love life to the full iv lost so much weight and i have gained so much confidence already, i really have shown my true colours now the way i am now is the way i will lead my life from here on as i have been, no longer am i the fat, stupid, drunk bastard that i was, i am now who i choose to be and i choose life and a shot at happiness, to make something. I know that people can se that i have changed, now for them just to believe it all works. when i started this 40 days without drink i was doing it for different reasons, now i am doing it for myself alone as there is only myself that i want to prove this to any more. My faith in humans is gone but my faith in my true real friends, my brothers, only gets stronger every day. Sealed in a heart shaped box.

+++Life and love will always find it's way to where it belongs+++

A Good Day Gone Bad

Im on to day 13 of my 40 days and its going well. Iv been going to the gym and the box daily and iv been hiking a few times now and i feel great. to nite was amusing it's the first time i have DJ'ed in a fair while and defonatly the first time iv done it without drinking whilst doing it it was really fun to do i got to watch all the people in the bar get hammered it was fun, then at the end had a good old long chat with mike, it seems that people have gained alot of respect for me for doing my new lifestyle and actually sticking to it and really trying to change for the better. when i was alone tho i was ill at the end of the nite and was rather sick but i was only dry retching but there was blood in it so i feel a little worried about it, that turned a good few days bad, not fun.

+++The best way to a man's heart, Clean through his ribcage+++