My Last Serenade

Well this week has not gone quite to my life's overall plan, tho why i ever expect a week to go to plan i don't know. Thursday seem like any normal day, i woke up chilled out, hung out with the house mates watched some films with them and went to the pub for some bingo and to chill on my own for a while, standard template day if im honest. It comes to the end of the night and iv been watching all of the people in the pub all night, and it started to make me think about my life, i hadn't actually had alot to drink this time, because i can second guess nearly every movement that 3/4 of the people that walked through the front door would do, how piss simple it was to guess the actions of creatures that are meant to be so complex, then i thought what if i am so easy to predict has my life become so monotonous that i can be guessed at every move i make?? When i left i decided to take a slightly longer route home as i wanted to think a bit more, i realized that my life has grown stagnant and that iv lost the adventure that i used to enjoy about it, but worst of all i realized i was getting very bored of life, by this point im at home and the depression had really kicked in so i was drinking to take the edge of it, i started to think that if my life is a pattern like what i guess about others then all that will happen is that i will be walking an inevitable path to a boring and very lonely death, i mean iv already lost most of the people who are not family who ever truly gave a dam about me and all of that was from not changing my ways and the way i act, well now that i have changed everything and people can see that but i will still be punished for the sins have done in the past as opposed to the person i am now, so because of the vindictive nature of the forsaken human race i can never escape from who i was in the past and as such my future is still the same pathetic path that my past has been which just means i can guess where my future leads too, it still leads to a very lonely feeling a dead heart and the feeling of massive depression every waking moment, and to be fair id rather be dead than go on like that, at this point in time i would actually like to say thank god for the effects of drink, i was sat next to the kitchen (room full of pointy implements) but i thought it best to go to my own room to find pointy things, second saving grace of drink, i tripped up the stairs, which made me think that maybe everything i was thinking was drunken ranting at myself, third saving fact of drink, i didn't bother to look at my watch i just knocked on Sarah's door and woke her up for a chat. for the first time ever booze saved me from going one step to far on the carving myself up idea.

Sometimes i scare even myself, and when your a fallen thats very hard to do.

+++Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone+++